UnDerNeath my SmiLE.

Fighting with my world,food,depression and society. I always smile,you think I'm happy. I hide. I write.

Monday, January 02, 2006

WOW long time

had been soooo long since the last post.
well I have been doing OKAY I guess. Not in a sense of normal person but on my standard.

first of all, my sis is now in Japan for vacation but going back to London in about a week, sad.
still I'm in the chaos of eating disorder; I just took a tons of laxatives which I know is harmful to my body.

BUT THIS 2006. I decided. I'm graduating high school in next March. I don't have any plan for the college yet because my parents and me are concerned about my disorder. it's getting worse and worse.
I usually binge and purge twice a day. When feeling depressed, I even throw up 3 times a day.
What a waste.

AND this year's resolution is this;

RECOVERING FROM ED.

this is it. I'm getting my health back. I'm gonna be energetic and do what I want to do.
I won't be controlled by foods anymore. this year, I will fight. I might feel like giving up many times but
I will stand up and try again. Wish me luck.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

today I went to school, at the last period.I met some of my teammates and went to our clubroom, giving them those souvenires from Holland. That was really fun to share a little moment with them, I felt happy.
afterschool I went to bookstores and bought the book on anorexia. it's a story about the girl with anorexia, nonfiction. It might be a horrible story.
And I just finished reading "Tiger's child" by Torey Hayden. I've read 3 of that series. Those are stories about "lost" or "unfortunate" children. I got really inspired and moved by all the stories she wrote... I could feel what the girl in the book felt like.

Today I binged and purged, and found it that I'm feeling more unconfortable with that... I can't purge enough to feel good... It used to be a good stress-eraser for me to purge..but now it feels more uncomfortable. Now hunger pains are more the stress-eraser to me. I know it's not a good thing. I still try to eat something properly, but it's getting harder.
My sister refuses to talk to my Dad....since she had come home, she hasn't even tried to see the dad's face. She says she is afraid of my dad, and doesn't know how to react and how to talk. how to share the same space with him. My dad and her have been battling almost for all the time, as long as I remember. She did whatever my dad didn't like. But somehow she wants to be accepted as an artist (not yet though)in her future, she told me before. She likes my dad, and dad likes her too. But my dad voice tends to get so loud and scary and we both don't like it. I pretend or be actually a "GOOD GIRL" to get his attention, and court him. But my sister isn't good at being "good girl". But tomorrow, I guess family "conference" ( my sis,dad and maybe me included. my mom will be outa working tomorrow.) will take place... And I'm sure it would be so harsh. I'm even afraid of it. I actually don't have to attend the "conference" but I'm worried about Hana, coz she is bad at expressing her opinion, and feeling to especially Dad. So I hope I could be her help...

And more, I talked to my mom for a little long time just some hours ago.
I feel more confortable with talking to my mom when my mood is up... but sometimes
I refuses her.
Mom... maybe you think talking with me is actually making me better... BUT IT ISN'T unfortunately.
I don't open my mind that easily. i won't be tricked.
i pretend that I'm okay, and feeling confortable by talking to you that long time.
But I just PRETEND. never felt you are that close to me. sorry.


Wednesday, February 09, 2005

BAK BAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My sis is BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was soooooooooooooo glad. I suddenly became so worried and anxious over my
sis' incidence. I thought I could never see her again... and she was killled for sure.
I don't know why I was so sure but I felt something sooo wrong going on.
This morning I meant to go to scholl early and attending whole day... and I almost got
all ready for school, but the anxiety came over like a wave on me.
And I started to cry... I started to be so worried and sorry for her.
Why her? Why not me?
I remembered many fun things b/w us.. and go more sad.
I couldn't help it. I tried to wake my mom up again and again but she didn't wake up.
I got more anxious.
So finally I e-mailed my best friend Ami.
She immidiately called me, and asked me if I was All right.
And I WASN't AT ALL.
I was crying and saying
" what if she was already killed... what if I would see her next time dying and lying with her blood on her
face and al over her body. I can see it in my head and I can't stop thinking about it... I can't help it..
I don't think I can go to school today again.... I'm too nervous and Can't keep this feeling away from me.
I can't think of anything but her dying. What What ... why.. why her... oh god please. my parents are
so worried and I wasn't that worried last night but I suddenly got this feeling really something wrong
with her.. might dead. and I got panic.. my parents are already panicked and so tired and worried, they
might have a heart stroke for that or die for grieving her death.what Can I do if I was left alone?? i don't wanna
be left alone."
and she was just listening to me and after I told her those things, she calmed me down and don't
push your self too much for coming school. It's just school you can be absent. It's okay.
and my sis'll be Okay. As long as you keep your self calmed down, and yourself down on the earth,
your parents don't get worse. Everything's gonna be allright. Okay???? don't worry. it's okay.
She repeated like that again and again.
And it's her magic. Everytime she says kinda this thing, I get calmed down. she has the power.
If my mom says everythings gonna be okay, I deny it like " YOU DON'T KNOW!!!!! AND nothing is OKAY!!"
but I can't deny it when she says that.
my dearest freind Ami.

And the time I got calm and went to bed again.
I just was curling up inside the bed and lying there with my eyes open.
still afraid. I was shaking all over, panicked.

then my mom got awake, she went down.
and some minutes later I heard her scream " OH YOU!!!!!!! OH.... whrere....I was SOO worried. What are ya doing to me? You know whacha doin to us? You are making us soooo worried. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?
How much do you need to worry us for your satisfaction??? U R SO SELFISH!!! didn't you think of the others?
Didn't you think of us worrying about you??? And didn't u think we gonna use the car??
How dare. HOW DARE."
She was accusing my sister.
i was crying.
I wanted to run downstairs and just hug her.
BUT i couldn't. I heard those cursing, blaming, abuses of words from my mom's mouth
I was afraid. ANd I wanted her to stop that. SHe isn't the one to be blamed.I don't know whoever to be blamed but I was sure she wasn't the one.
when the noise of Mom's voice got kinda little lower, I went downstairs and found my sister just standing
at the front door.
I hugged her. No words.
And next, I told my mom not to blame her anymore. I BEGGED. "PLEASE DON't. I don't wanna hear it anymore."
I said.
and I heard the stories.
She is kinda same as me in the charactor.
She is the one blaming herself for not being a good girl as same as me.
The difference is the way of expressing that self-hatred.
Anyway there was a story ANd I think I'll write it next time.




Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Where R U ??

It's 5 past half AM. I have to get ready for the school. Actually I haven't been able to go to school perfectly
like whole day. I've been sometimes absent, other time late after lunch. How bad I am.
I'm grade 11 and This year is supposed to mean a lot to me but the illness clings like a parasite.
I can't see the goal.

My sister is not yet coming home.
I couldn't sleep at all. I'm all so anxious about the school today as well.
Will I get through the classes today? each 70 minutes feels like forever to me.
And more.. my sister. Where are you?
I feel like you'll be back home just like as usual, but will it be real?
Are you kidnapped? Are you killed?

I imagined myself kidnapped and just about to be killed.
In the scene, I started to talk to the criminal.
"hey, why don't we have a little bit of conversation before you put an end on my life?"
and he says,
"well, okay. Anyway, at the end you'll be gone so doesn't matter."
and me
"Let's talk about life of ourselves. I'm really curious about why you did end up with attempt to killing me."
and he gets annoyed but I calm him down.
HE says
" Why do you ask me that??I don't like it."
and me goes,
"coz' I think we are the same kind. Just different in the case. I want to harm myself which is not me I feel,
and you want to harm somebody else which is not you. I've seen my blood so many times.
And I even thought about killing myself but It is the most worst sin I could ever do. But if you kill me,
it's easy. Then I won't be that bad. I don't actually kill myself but get killed and satisfied.how wonderful."

and more story goes.... I wondered those horrible things through the night.
I know it's wrong but somehow I feel I could die now.
But I know I have to fight.
Coz my mom and dad is getting more and more unstable in mental side.
I'm afraid of them dying from stress. ow, how Ironic, I'm not afraid of myself dying but the others.
I care too much about the others, but that's the way I am.

Missing Sister

OH my...Today, really the trouble happened to us, our family.
My sister is missing. She' s gone to school and part-time job at afternoon.. and she e-mailed my mom
around 8 o'clock saying," I'll be home after having dinner out." So my mom had waited but nobody came home last night except my dad.
It often happened, that she didn't come home till the next morning being out of contact since the night before, when she didn't have a car lisence. However now she has it and she is driving dad's car which is BMW (looks kinda cool, which my sister likes.) and hanging out with friends all the time.
She is supposed to go to college in England this year. She is preparing, and being careful with not to get
any dad's temper on her, because dad always blames on her being so dependent, not-in-self-control, selfish, irresponsible, and anything you name it. She did anything one could state "BAD", I guess from marijuana to sugar daddy bussiness...but I believe she does those things for some reasons. Maybe mentally feeling something wrong, and her heart is screaming but couldn't find the place to be.. And I know what it feels like.
Not exactly her case, but in the other way i'm the same, so...


Anyway, going bak to the topic..the problem is, that she has stopped contacting with everybody and
we tried and tried many times to call but we only gets the " out of the order" ansewring woman voice.
Her cell phone had run out of battery or she is somewhere out of any signals.. or something like that I suppose. But we are sooooo worried.
This morning, woke up to find out that she hasn't come home yet, mom was angry and anxious at the same time. And I knew that dad would get mad at this... and I was so afraid of sitting next to him eating Break Fast which I knew I would purge afterwards.
He was so stressed out and furious about this incidence. He was like " OH AGAIN???? What the hELL is her PRoblem? I can't take this. SHe Is such a BITCH blah blah( really cursing words. oh my..). She just go with the
flow and doesn't think about anyone's feeling!!!!!! WHAT A BITCH!!!!!"
I was so afraid. Dad asked me how I felt about this. I just said "i think she is irresponsible since she is using
your car." ( I was just afraid of getting any his tempar on me, so I just said kinda safe same opinion as his...such a coward.)
Me and my mom stayed at home all day today.
I was supposed to go to school but due to the dizziness from last night purging.. I couldn't come.
She yet didn't give us any sign of existence..so finally my mom decided to call police.
I was so anxious.. and couldn't help myself binge.
I binged at dinner but in the middle of the BINGING TIME, police came to our house and
asked me some question even I wanted to purge then.
After answering some of those, I rushed to the bathroom.
I was so ashamed of myself purging even under this circumstance.....
MY SISTER IS MISSING... ANd I'm supposed to be worried about it furiously.
BUT, to be honest. I'm not that worried. I think she'll be home soon tomorrow or when she feels like
coming home...I suppose, believe, and hope.
BUt it's obviously wierd of her not being careful about keeping in touch with my mom.
She knows Now is the time to be a GOOD GIRL and get a permission to go to college in ENGLAND herself..
She was even keepin her self from going any club or night fun for a while...
And all of sudden, she doesn't e-mail or call my mon what time she'll be home...
She might be in some trouble.

HOPE my DEAR SISTER.... BE SAFE....

But at the same time I'm kinda feeling bad about myself that I'm not that in panic even she is missing....
My mom is kinda in panic and repeating " what could we do oh gosh ..oh... my..."
I feel like this is the time to fight.
When My mom is out of control of herself, I gotta do something.
I should help her, and dad.


Please come back.. SIS......




Saturday, February 05, 2005

Been a while..

It's been a while since the last post I wrote.
I've been still struggling with disease. And Hoping, here this place could be somewhere I can confide anything about myself, what I felt, what I feel like, What I AM.
My life is getting so serious. I didn't realize living life is this much hard... till I get this disease, Eating Disorder.
Since the last post, I've almost lost so much weight due to the illness.
It's bad, the one side of me says. The other side says " yay!I lost so much weight! I can fit that cloth, and that, blah blah..." There were many sacrifices and benefits as I got this. The sacrifices were my self-esteem,self-confidence. I still hate myself. And the other bad thing is that I can't attend Kendo practice anymore.
My teammates encourages me always, I confessed this to my teammates. They say they are doing really Okay,
and I don't have to worry about anything.. but it is kind of sad as well. They could do it,go through it without
me. Always trying to think positively but everytime I lose to negative thoughts of myself.


Thursday, December 02, 2004

Getting BETTER???

Bulimia hasn't occured to me since the day I told my mom all.
Now, my bestfriend knows it too. I told it to her. It took me so much courage to say that.
I refused,worried, but finally did it. I had been keeping my eating disorder secret for all the time.
So, I lied when I couldn't go out when asked, and said that I have something important to do or etc,,,
But it made me feel worse. I punished and accused myself for lying to my precious friend.
I worried if she could understand my feeling,suffering, all the fights I'd gone through, and difficulties I will face in the future. I worried if she could handle this tough circumstance as my best friend, and as my support.
I didn't put any pressure on her so I've been keeping this secret.
She listened me silently,carefully, and with a grief, she was crying.
It don't know what she exactly felt at that moment she cried, but I felt that she felt my heart.
she was sorry for not noticing my illness.
We talked over 4 hours or so at starbucks then went home.
Today, I was with her on my way home and I was normal, and everything seemed to be fine.
And i hope it lasts.
I was so frustrated while taking exams... felt like my stomach has a big hole.
The fear nearly got me down, but I somehow crawled up.
I've been with my mom all the time since then,.. and the time I spend with her calms me down so much.
I've never felt this way while being with her. I was always hard on her and yelling at her...though she did nothing wrong. I criticized all the little mistakes on her.. I didn't mean to hurt or anything, so tried to be nice to her many times but it turns out to be impossible.
But now, I don't get irritated while with her.. it's incredible and I'm so surprised.
But there is an anxiety " Will it last long?"
the same thing i can say to anything...
My disorder might get better but might get worse ... It depends on me.
But I always become worried like what if it goes bad...??
I'm starting to see my doc once a week. Now i'm takin pills. Is it workin? I don't kno.



Monday, November 29, 2004

Finally...

Finally I went to the doc. He was really calm, understanding, and good listener.
Last night, I confessed my disorder to my sis and mom. They were all sorry about that.
It took me so much courage to tell that. I cried and told them all. I felt finally released.

My mom took me to the doc today. I wanted to go too. It's not she dragged me off to there.
And I told him everything, what I'm worrying about, when my symptom occur, and what is lackin'.
I was reflecting my past and realized I've done this kinda thing before too.. to make my mom worry.
This is not yet resolved, but hopefully made a bit of progress. and I feel so relieved.
Doc gave me pills and I took it after dinner. It makes me soooo sleepy so Im going to bed now.
I hope I can go to the school tomorrow but I haven't done any preparation for my exams. I'll have O on my test... sucks. but i wont think about it till tomorrow. And what we decided is.. that I will have all the meals with somebody. someone must be there... with me at the meal time. It comforts me.
today, I've been with my Mom all day long and that felt good. We had an actuall conversation.
I could stay calm being with her. I felt myself normal.
Hope it increases something inside me.


keiko